Monday, February 21, 2011

Monday musing 4

Last week I was in a major winter funk. It's not that I have anything against winter actually, it's just that usually sometime in February I experience an inward shift that can lead me down a bad way quickly. When I say a bad way, I'm not talking about anything drastic like binge drinking or drug use but something that for many people can be much worse. I get into a bad habit of self beratement. My mind begins to constantly pick apart all of the little things in my life that I do not think are going well and rip them to shreds until I am a grouchy, headache having, dark circles, cry in an instant, mean kind of person. At least to the person who is closest to me, my husband. To everyone else I still maintain my "normal" appearance.

When this begins to happen to me, I know that the ebst course of actions would be to tell him that I need a good talk. That I need an hour of his time just to listen and help me process the irrational emotions wreaking havoc on my life schema. Usually I wait until my breaking point hits to actually ask him for help. I don't know why, he has never since I've known him refused to help me when I have needed it.

By the time I am "breaking" as it were, he has most likely spent most of our interactions during the previoous week trying to ligthen the mood and make me laugh, reminding that everything is really ok. That I'm healthy, usually happy and have a wonderful son. I know all of these things but it doesn't help me. When I finally do break down and share the things in my head, he always listens. He is patient with me as I let loose, sometimes being overly critical of him, without telling me I am wrong, or what I am feeling is wrong. He is a good listener. He reassures me. Afterward my mind and heart begin to lighten. Even though this process is painful for me (and for him too) I think I come out better on the other side. It's like that deep internal winter reflection all comes to a head and is shouting to burst forth and into the next season. I emerge more aware of myself, my habits, and who I am, ready to continue my growth for the next year.

This time around, it didn't help that the following day, after my breaking point, the sun began to shine brightly again and the temperatures began to warm up. Last week felt like spring with sun and warmth and flowers beginning to bloom around town. I am hopful, inspired, and lucky to have such a great family.

May your life be blessed by someone who takes you for who you are and is glad of all of your faults. When you reach your dark winter place, may there be someone with a hand outstretched to help you reach the surface and breathe. And may the waves of doubt in your mind that have the ability to wreak chaos help you find a calm shoreline upon which to walk.

I'm looking forward to spring and new beginnings, bright colored flowers blooming, new birds migrating through, and the continuing of my grand life adventure.

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